Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Why I choose not to drink with workmates

(This is cross-posted from Medium, where it's better formatted)
I’ve been in the tech industry since I was a wee lass, starting with my first job at Google, right out of finishing my MS in Computer Science. I’ve had the opportunity to experiment with many ways of interacting with workmates since then, and after seeing enough of those experiments go awry, I’ve now made the decision that I will not drink alcohol in work situations.
You can likely guess why, but let me first provide you with far too much information on how alcohol affects my mindstate. As soon as I drink alcohol, my mind gets consumed with only one goal: kissing. It stops looking at people’s eyes and looks only at their mouths. It doesn’t care whatsoever what they’re saying, solely that they’re the owners of a mouth.
This mindstate works just fine and dandy if I’m on a date, but it doesn’t work out so well when I’m in a work context. At the minimum, it results in me being a completely inattentive conversational partner. At the maximum, it results in forever damaged work relationships and sometimes even (!) adultery.
Now, I find myself objecting to this argument, thinking “well, sometimes workmates make out and then get married and then live happily ever after!” And that is very true, many people find their life partners at work. However, in my experience, the most lasting relationships result when two people are mutually attracted and compatible enough to not need alcohol as the catalyst. When I run the stats on my own track record, alcohol-induced beginnings are more highly correlated with short-term, unsuccessful relationships.
I am also in a much different position in the hierarchy than when I first started out in the industry. As a youngin’, I was an individual contributor, not managing anyone. It didn’t matter too much if something happened with someone on my team, because we were all peers of each other.
Nowadays, I tend to also be a manager of people, and my most recent position was a CTO with a team of young interns. Managing is tricky enough, why add any unnecessary awkwardness to the mix? So I avoided the work situations that possibly involved drinking.
But I knew it was important for me to find some way to socialize with workmates, so I came up with different ways to bond socially that didn’t involve drinking. For example, we had Crafty Hour instead of Happy Hour, and every day at 2pm, we had our daily “Shake-Off”, a bunch of group improv games and stretches. It’s possible some teammates thought those were lame, and if so, I apologize. I’m glad that I found a way that worked for me, though.
I also think that it’s now much riskier to be drinking in the tech industry, given that drinking tends to lead to bad decisions, and that bad decisions can easily be broadcasted far and wide on social media. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to learn from my bad decisions in an earlier time, as I don’t know how well I’d recover from internet-scale scandal. Bad decisions are bad enough on their own.
So I choose to no longer drink in work situations. It’s not worth it, for me. I expect everyone else to make their own decision about what works for them, and I am simply sharing my perspective in case it is interesting.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Dear Universe: A Mealtime Blessing

(This is cross-posted from Medium, where it's better formatted)
For most of my life, I was wary of religious rituals. I was never able to summon up belief in a deity or deities, and I assumed that if deities weren’t real (at least in my mind), then rituals must be false as well.
I’ve grown up a bit and come to realize that religious rituals are often about more than just professing belief in a particular deity. Many of them also help us humans foster feelings of positivity and community, plus provide avenues for introspection.
I’m now comfortable bringing rituals back into my life, and figuring out how to adapt rituals to my particular beliefs and values.
My favorite daily ritual is the mealtime blessing. I start each blessing with “Dear Universe…” and then continue on to give thanks and recognize the interdependence in our lives.
For example:
“Dear Universe: Thank you for these yummy looking veggies that will give us energy today. Thank you to the farmers who grew and picked them. May all the beings today find the energy to go about their day in the world. Amen.”
Or, on a weekend:
“Dear Universe: Thank you for this bright and sunny day. We’re grateful that we have the time to walk outside and enjoy it. May all the people and cats and other beings enjoy a bit of rest on this Sunday. Amen.”
It’s nice to start off each meal with a gratitude practice, to skew our minds towards the positive as we go into eating and conversing.
I’ll admit, I was pretty self-conscious about saying mealtime blessings at first — and I’m still nervous saying them in front of friends that are new to the tradition. But it gets easier over time, and it’s worth the cheek-blushing. 😊
Here’s a little bonus variation for the improv’ers out there: now that its a regular habit with my partner, we sometimes come up with the blessing together — either by alternating lines or even by attempting to say the same words together.
The mealtime blessing is a simple ritual, but so very helpful. Try it out for yourself and see how it feels for you.
I wish you all well in the quest to cultivate a life of positivity and meaning.
Thank you to Jacob Lyles for starting the mealtime blessing tradition, and to BeAndBeWell for inspiring it.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Sleep strategies for a racing mind

(This is cross-posted from Medium, where it's formatted better)

My mind doesn’t stop thinking.
Or at least, it really doesn’t like to stop thinking, so it’s always very reluctant when my body says “hey mind, guess what?? it’s sleepy time!”

At that point, my mind needs to slow down enough for my body to be able to accomplish its goal of resting. I’ve been trying different strategies to slow my mind down since I was a kid, and I finally found a few that worked.
I know there are 5 billion posts of ways to fall asleep, because I personally have read 1 billion of them, and well, here’s one more! Bonus points if you’re reading this while trying to sleep.

Pre-req: No phones in the bedroom

I have proven to myself time and time again that I absolutely cannot have a phone within easy distance of my bed. Why? Well, when I can’t sleep, my mind says “Oooo, let’s just figure out how to do thing X or solve problem Y, a few Google searches won’t hurt!” 2 hours later, 20 browser tabs, and 2 Pinterest boards later, I’m even farther away from being able to sleep, as I’ve gotten my mind all excited about something.
Now, each night, I plug my phone into the only charger in my house, conveniently located not in my bedroom.
What about the bedroom-y features of a phone, like an alarm clock or soothing sleep-inducing sounds? I’ve replaced those with Amazon Echo Dot, which provides all those features yet does not make it easy to browse the internet for hours. Phew!

Pre-req: No chocolate after 5pm

The only form of caffeine that goes into my body these days is chocolate, which means my caffeine tolerance is super low. If I eat any after 5pm, the caffeine will still be in my system when I’m trying to sleep, since caffeine has a half-life of 5 hours. Even a hot cocoa at 8pm can keep me up until 2am.

Pre-req: Bedtime Supplements

I was resistant to trying supplements for a long time, as I wanted to try to accomplish my mind-calming without any external dependencies, but then I realized getting a good night’s sleep is so beneficial that it’s worth it to try anything.
My current favorite supplements are NightRest and Magnesium. I’ve also used Melatonin, a fairly popular supplement for sleep, but it’s a little too powerful and changes my wake-up state significantly.

Bed Setup: Heavy blanket and furry sheepdogs

I do not believe I have autism, but I keep discovering that I benefit from products originally designed for those on the autism spectrum. My sensory system seems to work similarly, methinks.
One of those awesome products is heavy blankets. They’re blankets that are weighted down with pellets equal to ~10% of your body weight, and are often made with fantastically fuzzy material. A sensory delight! Researchclaims that they calm the body down via “Deep Pressure Touch” which releases serotonin. Personally, I find that they help me get to sleep, and if I’m bawling, I’ll stop crying as soon as I lay underneath my cozy heavy blanket.
Another sensory delight in my bed is my “sheepdog”: a stuffed elephant with an IKEA sheepskin lovingly hand-sewn on top. I rub my face on the fur for 10 seconds and get so overwhelmed by happy tingly sensations that I forget everything I’d been thinking about it before. Furry calmy time!
I must confess: I no longer have either the blanket or the sheepdog in my bed, as I sleep with my partner now and find that his presence has a similarly calming effect on my system. His hair also has the same texture as the sheepdog. 😁 My brother is happily using the heavy blanket now!

Sleep-inducing Strategy #1: Counting Breaths

As a kid, I was always told to count sheep to get to bed. Every time I tried it, my mind would get itself into a tizzy instead. While counting, my mind was desperately trying to decide what color each sheep was, what the fence looked like, how gracefully they jumped, every last detail of the scene!Generally, my mind overanalyzes whenever it attempts visualizations, so I very rarely find visualizations helpful for calming it down.
However: counting breaths is totally doable, because my breaths actually exist (no offense, sheepies). Just as I do in meditation, I go for deep belly breaths and I count on the exhale. My mind still totally has thoughts, but its less likely to get stuck in thought loops.

Sleep-inducing Strategy #2: Progressive Relaxation

Progressive Relaxation is a super useful technique that you can use for releasing tension at any point during your day and to give your mind a break from thoughts for a hot second.
The basic idea is that you tense parts of your body for 8 seconds, then release that part, and you keep tensing and releasing different parts of your body. You can start at the bottom with your toesies and work your way up, or vice versa. For a quickie, you can tense every muscle at once, and then release it all.
I often find I don’t have the willpower to guide myself through a progressive relaxation, because my mind really-really-really wants to think about something else. In that case, I listen to a recording that will guide me through. There are hundreds of recordings on Youtube that you can sample, including my very own version here.
Still feeling tense? Do it again! In the right situations, it can work wonders.

Sleep-inducing Strategy #3: Bedtime Stories

Little kids know where it’s at. If I get told a bedtime story that actually interests me, I’ll happily nod off to sleep, often mid-story. A former partner of mine is a brilliant improvisational story-teller, and I was always happy when I managed to convince him to make up a story for me. He wasn’t always happy when I’d fall asleep before the end of the story, so we started recording them for posterity. We even turned one of them into a real(-ish) children’s book.
I’ve tried finding engaging bedtime stories on Youtube, but most of them are too targeted at children. If only Pixar made bedtime stories, aye?
Relatedly: I sometimes read short stories before bedtime, like from Asimov, Bradbury, or Dahl. That doesn’t work quite as well, as they often engage my mind a bit too much. They do at least distract my mind from trying to solve problems in my life, which is what tends to keep it up the most.

Sleep-inducing Strategy #3: Sleep Talkdowns

In a sleep talkdown, a nice stranger from the internet talks to you and tries to talk you down into sleep. They may guide you through deep breathing and progressive relaxation, they may remind you that everything is okay, and they often fill in the blanks with whooshing ocean sounds. There are thousands of them on the internet, so you can try a different one each night and see which works for you. This is my favorite sleep talkdown. It’s 30 minutes long, which isn’t always long enough to talk me down, so I will happily play it twice.

That’s All, Folks

These days, I get to sleep within 20 minutes of tucking in, thanks to these variety of strategies. That’s really short for me, so I’m a happy camper now.
If you’re reading, I hope you find a new strategy here that works for you. Feel free to respond with your own experience and suggestions.
And with that, I’m off to sleep. 😴

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